Tortured

I'm tortured tonight by the things she said. 

I need that connection, love, to much to ever have it. What a cruel reality to know. The people who need affection the most, can't have it, because they need it too much. How wrong is that?

Isn't it like everything else though? People who need a loan, if they need the loan too much, can't have it. Too risky for the banks to invest in.

She loved me she said, and added.... but not enough. Not enough for what? To take a risk with me?

I've risked my heart enough for one lifetime. I don't know how to face the prospect of living without a love the rest of my life. I've had this feeling that this was how it would be for as long as I can remember. Can almost hear some nitwitted psychologist saying "self fulfilling prophecy." Just because something sounds like it might fit doesn't mean it does.

Where are the psychologist that can deal with the affects of being dramatically super Christian, and then turning atheist? Imagine all those coping systems lost in the process. For example, in one of my group sessions, someone said "Jesus loves me even if no one else does." I no longer have that to fall back on. It was a hard thing to give up. 

I don't know how to face a future indefinitely alone.

I wish their was some clear path to finding my place. I hope someday I can contribute through the Sociology degree.

I need to get to sleep.