Solitude (trigger)

I used to play the world of warcraft. It's where I met her many months ago. Since goodbye in November I havn't been back. Couldn't bare to see her there. For a couple months straight we spent nearly every night falling sleep with our headsets on. Yeah I know. I'm the geek with no life who's girlfriend was online. But what you might think of as moronic was the most special thing to me. What kind of monster must I be that she would go from that to wanting never to speak to me again.

As I prepared to leave the game by getting everything in order I remember thinking that that must be what preparing to die must be like. Again, I get how idiotic it must sound. Don't worry, I'm not quite suicidal. If I go, I want to go accomplishing something, giving something, perhaps like in that movie Seven Pounds with Will Smith. I suspect quite a few suicidal morons, such as myself, after seeing that movie, had similar thoughts.

It's on my mind often.

Currently I am listening to such beautiful solo piano music. Occasionally Emile Pandolfi comes on. It makes me feel as if I could just let go and drift out of existence. So beautiful is that piano, and such a lonely melody.

More often than not, I am too curious for suicide. I want to know how the story ends. Are we merely computer programs as some scientist have suggested? Are their other intelligent life forms in our galaxy? Just recently I read that there are around 100 billion planets in our galaxy alone.

Sometimes though, as it has recently, the solitude becomes too much and the memories too many, and I am not sure I will make it.

More Babble

When I was younger there was a t.v. show called the incredible hulk. Even then... I must have been 7 or 8, listening to the lonely man theme song, I knew that was me. As I look back at myself in the past, I can almost see myself looking forward at me,  hoping my life would not be this endless loneliness.

I can almost cut this loneliness with a knife.

Hopefully my  next post will be more productive and informative.