A few things have been on my mind.In anxiety group therapy the topic of bullies came up. I mentioned that there was a group of baboons studied by Robert Sapolsky who once displayed the typical social hierarchical stratification until one fateful day when the group came across some trash infected with, if i remember correctly, tuberculosis. The alpha males horded the food found in the garbage and did not let the females of the group, nor the low status males eat. As a result the groups alpha males died of the infection thereby leaving only the low status males and a female/male ratio of 2 to 1. The social essence of the group changed afterwards. No longer were there alpha males asserting their dominance over the others. Aggressiveness in the group dramatically decreased, food was now shared by all, and new baboons introduced to the group quickly learned that the typical alpha male dominance dynamic did not work there.
After mentioning the above I asked "Why is it that those displaying alpha/bully behavior get ahead in our society?" They responded by saying that they don't. I believe their response was biased with typical christian beliefs that there is a god of justice who keeps account of such things. The therapist, for example, said she has seen many in her old high school who were bullies that later in life fell flat on their face. I suspect this is merely a correlational cognitive error on her part. Because she already believes justice is served, when she sees a former bully fall, she attributes it to justice. The truth is, non bullies fail as well.
I read an article not long ago in Forbes magazine that one of the most sought after qualities by hiring employers looking for potential employees is confidence. Most people reading this would agree. I think, however, that making confidence so important is a systemic error in our society. I base this thought on a sociological concept known as the Dunning-Kruger effect. Through research, Dunning and Kruger found that people who were highly confident in their ability generally scored in the bottom 1/3 of skills assessment test. Those who doubted their ability generally scored in the top 1/3 of skills assessment test.
What Does the Dunning Kruger Effect Have to do with Bullies?
I tend to think that alpha bullies tend to overestimate their skill and are blinded by their own arrogance. People, however, tend to follow the person who can dominate a conversation regardless of their level of skill. They figure that the loudest person must know what they are talking about. Employers hire these morons while overlooking better qualified, but less confident, competition. When my therapist then, said that bullies tend to fall later in life, all these ideas mentioned above were running through my mind.
The following is a mind map of those ideas:
Employers are not the only ones who choose confident idiots over quiet potential. I think people do with mates as well. How often have I heard that confidence is attractive? Is this why my ex lost interest in me?
After the group I spoke to my therapist about the ex as well. Yesterday morning was quite painful. I saw a picture of my ex on facebook. She looked sad. I've tried to email her a few times over the months since we last spoke. No response. What lead to that last email of hers where she said "dear sweet [my real name here]... I love you...but not enough...goodbye."
I have faults. Issues with love. I feel sometimes like the phantom of the opera. Isolated for so long that i've morphed beyond human social behavior. I need that connection too much to have it. When I feel it, the fear of loosing it becomes difficult and I struggle.
More Thoughts
I believe it is the social exchange theory which suggest that the person in a relationship that wants the relationship the most has the least power in it. How do I correct that about myself? How does someone so isolated, longing for connection, manage to keep a balance of power? In losing the balance, does it appear as a lack of confidence?
Finally, I wish I could just be me, and be loved as I am; insecurities and all.
References
I mentioned several sociological/psychological concepts here which I most likely did not explain well. I'm not a writer by nature. Here are some references then to learn more about those topics: